the truth is rarely pure and never simple

A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila

2007-12-07T02:29:13Z

So I've been watching A Shot At Love With Tila Tequila (I KNOW! I JUDGE MYSELF!) and Tila is down to a boy and a girl. Don't get me wrong I think the girl, Dani, is a sweetheart and actually geniune but if Tila picks her I will be beyond shocked, I will be... whatever is beyond shocked. I know the normal perception is when a girl is bi she's usually more into guys than girls and I don't really agree with that, and I don't really like labels either but. Ok, Tila? doesn't come off as bi, not to me at least, and she is a guy's girl and I may be wrong but I just don't feel it from her and when you watch the dates it just... If she picked Dani it would shock me. Shock me.

(I KNOW! I CAN'T BELIEVE I POSTED ABOUT THIS! I SHAME MYSELF! I JUST NEEDED TO SAY IT! GO AHEAD AND JUDGE ME, COME JOIN ME ON THE JUDGING COUCH!!)

SPOILER!

2007-11-29T01:08:58Z

Okay, I'm guessing all Doctor Who fans know this... However, huge spoiler if you don't.

ohnotheydidnt
Source

crack!fic try hard

2007-11-27T12:48:27Z

What kills me so bad is that I can't write Bandom crackfic! It's like a problem, an issue! A flaw in my genetic make up and... anyway, it kills me because I love crack fic, I adore it and I love trying my hand at it and you know what? I've had word up for half an hour now and all I've been able to write is this:

“Pretty,” Brendon said in rapt, stroking at Frank’s tattoos. He looked at Ryan.

“No,” Ryan said, utterly serious, “you wouldn’t come out of your room for five hours after you stubbed your toe.”

“Ow,” Frank said.

Brendon nodded at him, “yeah, it was a really mean door.” He leaned more into Frank’s personal space and whispered in his ear, “it was Spencer’s.”

“I hear that,” Frank said back, looking in Bob direction.

Lol. I need inspiration and I got nothing. Nothing. My head is blank. Woe me.

beta?

2007-11-27T11:52:05Z

Would anyone like to (please, please, please) beta a Wraith!love crack!fic for me?

Writer's Strike

2007-11-07T10:31:00Z

If you're interesting in what shows will be messed up by the Writer's Strike then this is quite a good resource.

Oh, NCIS.
Oh, Criminal Minds.

Tipping?

2007-11-04T10:00:36Z

Can anyone whose an American explain the concept of tips to me? I understand the basics of you give people money when they give you good service etc. But for all I know that means you give a few dollars at every shop you go to... Help?

Also, how much money is too much and how much is too little?

averillovessev @ 2007-11-01T00:23:00

2007-10-31T11:26:47Z

I have a couple of stories I need beta'd. SGA etc. If you could do one or two please comment XD.

Thanks, :)

fob icons

2007-10-26T08:45:41Z

I don't normally post my icons here, but I made some FOB ones, so I figure, so well.

15 Icons of pretty!

ANTM

2007-10-25T11:45:42Z

My picks for America's Next Top Model.

Final three:
Lisa, Jenah, Heather.

Final two:
Jenah & Heather.

Winner:
Heather

Harry Potter

2007-10-21T05:16:19Z

Have you heard about Dumbledore?

If by some chance you haven't then you really need to.

The Used?

2007-10-08T08:48:15Z

I'm weird, I'm strange but I'd like to know if there is any The Used Primers, or anywhere that says who they are (coughpicspamscough), and if there's any fic?

Help?

averillovessev @ 2007-10-07T00:24:00

2007-10-06T11:26:35Z

So I'm a huge PeteandPatrick fan(girl) but I have to admit, Pete mentioning Mikey Way amuses me. And make me giggle, a little. However, tonight I was watching MTV NZ, The Mix's on the spot questions and, yeah.

(totally paraphrased)

Q Who was the last person to text you, and what did they say?
A (Pete) Mike Way. Hey (endearment), what you up to?

And, heh, amused. Because well, Mike Way and also, for a reason I have idea how I got, I just didn't picture Mikey and Pete talking much anymore (maybe I imagined it was too hard for them to be in contract after the love they shared on the Summer of Like and it hurt less to stay completely apart...) Honestly, no idea why but the fact they still talk/txt surprised and amused me.

Also I was way more interested in his answer than any normal person should be.

The Fear You Won’t Fall (For Me), Ryan/Brendon

2007-09-29T13:05:20Z

The Fear You Won’t Fall (For Me)
Ryan and Brendon get married!Fic
PG, Brendon/Ryan, I own nothing, 3,021 words.
It’s so OOC and so … not bad but not really all that good, but it’s my first so I love it anyway, and something that started short has somehow become surprising long (for me that is) without me realizing, I blame darksylvia , who is possibly the best beta ever and wouldn’t let me finish until this was good enough – which I am very thankful for.

“Ryan,” Brendon said with a little whine as he wrapped himself around Ryan on the couch. “You love me the most, right?”

“Sure,” Ryan sighed, reaching across Brendon for his ipod.

“It’s just that you were all puppy-dog-yet-sultry-and-sexy-eyes for Pete-”

Ryan rolled his eyes and put on his headphones.

“-Are you listening? I hope you are, Ryan Ross, because we are having a moment here!” Brendon gave Ryan a not to gentle nudge with his foot.

Ryan hmmed a little making Brendon light up – until he realized Ryan was listening to a song. Brendon gave a little growl; he personally liked to think of it as his sexy growl, nobody should be able to say no to such a sexy growl. And just because Spencer said it was a wee little puppy dog growl didn’t mean anything, Spencer didn’t know everything. Well, not all the time.

“And I think that you forgot our anniversary. But I’m not sure, because you haven’t really acknowledged our relationship –which is a bit pathetic since I count it as beginning on the day we met, but Jon said that doesn’t exactly work,” Brendon bit his lip and looked at Ryan imploringly, “. Then I said maybe when we first kissed but then Jon said we kiss a lot of the time in non-sexual ways so I don’t think that counts either-”

Ryan shook his head from side to side.

“-And,” Brendon said with a glare, “I said what about the first time we had sex. But, well, Jon said hearing the actual act is enough; he doesn’t need it talked about. Maybe I’m too loud? Oh well, I’ll try harder to be quiet. Back to the point – did you forget our anniversary or is it a different date for you? I say two days ago and you say…?” Brendon waited.

Ryan nodded a little – to the music

“Ryan?” Brendon asked and nudged his side. “Ryan? Seriously. Answer me. You have to have been listening. I just bared my soul to you!”

Ryan continued to nod along with the music on his ipod.

Brendon sniffled. “Ryan?”

Ryan tapped his fingers on the armrest.

Brendon sighed and leaned toward Ryan’s ear. And shouted: “RYAN!”

*

Brendon sat on Jon’s knee with his arms wrapped around Jon’s shoulders, “I don’t know why he has to hurt me so bad, Jon, tell me why.”

Spencer snorted.

Brendon poked his finger at him, “Do not start with me Spencer Smith! I am in no mood. I am fragile,” He pouted. “I kind of want a shirt with fragile written on it,” he whispered into Jon’s ear.

Jon grinned.

“You know, maybe Ryan wouldn’t have been so angry with you if you hadn’t, I don’t know, burst his ear drum.” Spencer pointed out – kindly, in his opinion.

“I did not!”

“Might as well have.”

“Don’t make me feel worse, Smith. I couldn’t handle it.” Brendon swooned a little on Jon’s shoulders.

Jon patted his head.

“Fine, whatever.” Spencer smirked. “I’m just shocked you didn’t apologise.”

“Ohh, Spencer, I tried!” Brendon twisted the upper half of his body away from Jon to face Spencer. “But I couldn’t find him anywhere! Really, I looked everywhere and under tables and in closets and… he was nowhere!”

“I know where he is,” Jon offered.

Brendon beamed at him. “Jon Walker you are my hero!” He clapped his hands. “Tell, tell!”

“Last I saw, Pete was comforting him. They were on Fall Out Boy’s bus.”

Brendon froze. “Comforting how?”

Jon shrugged, “Cuddles.”

Spencer flinched a little, “For fuck’s sake, Brendon, stop grinding your fucking teeth.”

“Jon, Jon?” Brendon asked, cupping his hands together in a begging like gesture, “Ryan wouldn’t betray me with Wentz would he?”

Spencer answered, “Seeing as Ryan doesn’t actually know you guys are a couple there’s a chance he might.”

“I might cry.” Brendon informed them. Also, “He so knows.”

Spencer looked away and hummed.

“Please don’t fight,” Jon said, to them both but pushing Brendon into a standing position. “Brendon Urie, go fight for you right to love.”

“That’s it! I can beat Pete with my sex appeal and my cuteness. I am man, I am the destiny, I am everything.” He pumped his wrist into the air, kissed Jon’s cheek and ran off.

“Fight for your right to love?” Spencer asked.

Jon sighed, “Nothing motivates like the 80’s power ballad, they’re just that powerful.”

*

Brendon flung open the door to Fall Out Boy’s bus and rushed in, announcing loudly, “Ryan is mine!”

For a few seconds there was no sound. Except for Andy’s pet cricket, Clicker.

“Um,” Brendon said, biting his lip, “Where is my Ryan?”

Patrick pointed towards the bunks.

Brendon’s eyes narrowed. “Oh no,” he said, “they did-n’t!”

Patrick blinked.

“Brendon?” A voice interrupted from the bunkroom doorway.

“Ryan? Ryan!” Without a second thought Brendon flung himself at Ryan, causing him to stagger back slightly, and hugged him. “Please, oh, please, oh please-please-please don’t leave me for Pete. I’m much sexier, I bring sexy back – heh – and I am cuter and I love you and say you forgive me I didn’t mean to upset you and push you into sleeping with Pete.” Brendon paused and kissed Ryan’s cheek, “I love you and you’re the best boyfriend ever and I’m-“

“Boyfriend?” Ryan asked faintly, maybe a little flatly. Maybe a little teasing.

“Right!” Brendon said, pumping his fist in the air. “I forgot to mention that to you didn’t I? Spencer says I forgot. But it is so true. Right Ryan? Boyfriends?”

“Um. I kind of already knew we were going out, Brendon.”

Brendon looked at Ryan with wide eyes, “But, but Spencer said…”

“Spencer’s funny.”

“No,” Brendon pouted, “Spencer is mean.”

“Sure, whatever. When did I sleep with Pete?”

“Um, just now? Maybe?”

Pete chose that moment to come out of the bunkroom, pushing them out of the doorway. “I did try to entice him, but to no avail.”

Brendon swung a little to look at Pete; he put a hand on a hip and said, channelling his inner Cher, “Really?”

Ryan answered, “No. We were just looking at PureVolume and annoying Patrick so we moved to the back. Honestly Brendon, you’re such an idiot.”

Brendon blinked. “Really? Truly?”

“Yeah.” Pete answered, walking past him and ruffling his hair. He threw himself next to Patrick on the couch and nuzzled Patrick’s neck.

“Uh, sorry?” Brendon said.

“Yeah. Okay, let’s just go.” Ryan’s bitchy voice really did scare Brendon.

“No! Really, really sorry!” Brendon grabbed at Ryan’s hands until they were holding his. “Don’t be mad, please Ryan?”

“I’m not.”

“You are!” Brendon said, with a little wail on the end.

Ryan had to use his arm to rub at his eyes, “Really not.”

“I know!” Brendon dropped to his knees.

Ryan flushed.

“Marry me?”

“What?” Ryan said, looking strangely relieved.

“Marry me!” Brendon grinned.

Pete paused in his Patrick-nuzzling for a moment to say, ”This could take awhile, couldn’t it?” While looking at Ryan horrified face as Brendon rushed into wedding details.

“No.” Ryan said quickly, still flushed. Then to Brendon he said, “Yes, okay, yes. We’ll get married and have kids and sing Christmas carols. Now for fuck’s sake, lets go.” And he stormed from the bus.

Brendon bounced after him.

“No, Pete.” Patrick said.

“You heard him Patrick, he said yes.”

“Pete, no.”

Pete just grinned.

*

Nothing happened for a few days until suddenly everything happened. The phone calls started.

“What, you tell us nothing now?” William said, voice a little bitter even over the phone.

“Uh?” Ryan said.

“It’s okay,” William said, brightening, “I’m so proud of you guys.”

“What?”

“You and Brendon, making your love official.”

Ryan tried talking again, “What now?”

“Pete sent us all invites. I can’t believe you left Pete in charge of your wedding – Ryan, honey, that may be letting your hero worship go a bit far.”

Ryan hung up. “Pete,” he said, with a little growl.

*

“I think the theme should be beautiful and magical.” Pete said, looking through The Big Book of Wedding Themes. “What do you think, Patrick?”

“I think that Ross is going to kill you.”

Pete waved that thought away with a flick of his hand, “Ross adores me.”

“Hero worship only goes so far.”

Pete batted his lashes at Patrick, “My hero worship for you doesn’t stop.”

Patrick blushed and pulled his hat down, “Is that what they call it nowadays?”

Pete laughed, pushed up Patrick’s hat and kissed his forehead.

*

Luckily or maybe it should be unluckily, Pete answered the door. “Um,” he said, “what are you?”

“Name's Angel, baby boy,” said the woman in the doorway, shaking her breasts at him, “and yes, I was sent from above.”

Pete gave her a once over and again repeated, “What are you?”

Angel laughed, “ Cute,” she said, flicking Pete’s nose. “Are you Patrick?”

Pete looked at her suspiciously. "No."

“Oh, thank the lord above, you may be a looker, honey, but that attitude...” She shook her head at him.

Pete crossed his arms. “Why do you want Patrick. He doesn’t know you,” he said with complete confidence, “You’re not looking for Joe are you?”

“No, definitely Patrick. I was sent by a Ross, Ryan, I think. Said I’m thanks for the wedding,” she smiled, strained teeth showing, “and trust me, Patrick is about to know me very well.”
Andy, Joe and Patrick who had been listening in, winced.

“Patrick,” Pete began, voice going several notches higher than normal “Will have nothing to do with you, Patrick is good and innocent and made of chocolate and you, you hussy, will not be touching my Patrick!"

“Oh, you did not!”
Andy sighed before reaching over, grabbing the phone and dialling security.
There was a brief tussle outside before they heard Angel shout: “I better still get paid!” and Pete shouted: “You better get herpes!” And then they heard security arrive.

Joe shrugged, “that wasn’t as bad as it could have been,” he slightly upset, “Through, herpes? Harsh.”

Andy frowned at him.

“What?” Joe said, standing up and walking over to the window.

“That little fucker.” Pete growled, storming back into the room. “I gave that kid everything, a contract, a life. A wedding.”

Joe snickered, nose stuck at the window, watching Angel walk away, “And he got Patrick a hooker.”

“All in the spirit of weddings,” Andy pointed out.

“That’s strippers, fuckers. And they go to the groom.”

“I still don’t get how you managed to decide which one was the bride,” Joe said, ignoring Pete’s slight bitterness.

Patrick looked down and finally spoke, “Please don’t go there. There were charts, and pictures and I can’t go there again.”

Pete sat beside him, “Mine,” he growled and bit Patrick’s neck. “This shall never be talked of again.”

(The incident became known as Pete’s Bitch Fight With Angel That Was Courtesy Of The Brilliant Ryan Ross, and was told annually at events.)

*

And phone calls kept on coming, and while Ryan could deal with Travie, the rest of the academy, Gabe and Ryland, and really pretty much everyone on the label this was the phone call he had not wanted at all.

“Ryan Ross did I not raise you like one of my own?”

“Um, yes ma’am,” Ryan answered, glaring in Spencer direction, thankful that they were on the bus and he could just walked a few steps and kill Spencer at anytime.

Spencer who just waved at him, a little tinkering of his fingers.

“Did I not clean your clothes when you got dirty?”

“You did.” Ryan started going through the TeenPop magazine beside him. “Thank you for that.”

“I made you dinner when you stayed over.”

“Also very well fed, and nicely too.” Ryan ripped out a page.

“Then why, oh why, did you not see fit to inform me of your engagement!”

“Um,” Ryan winced, “I didn’t think?”

“No, you did not, young man.”

“I’m sorry,” he said, and he starting sticking something on the wall.

“I know Honey, but still- look, I can’t talk now, but I will call later and you and me? We’re going to talk wedding.”

Ryan froze, “Really?”

“Yes, really! Oh gosh, now I’m a little excited.”

“Oh goody.”

“Goodbye for now, sweetie. Tell Spence I love him, and to be good.”

“I will,” Ryan promised.

“And Ryan? You have my blessing, if it matters.”

Ryan didn’t say anything for a few seconds before: “It matters. Thank you.” He hung up. “Spence, she says hi and that she loves you.”

Spencer grinned, “Hi mom, love you too.”

“Oh, she not on the phone anymore,” Ryan said glaring. “You’re such a bitch Spence.”

“But I do it with such style.”

“Um, Ryan?” Brendon interrupted, who until now had been watching with rapt attention.

“Yes?”

“Is there a reason there is a Pete Wentz poster on our wall?”

“No reason. We just have to remember to buy darts at the next stop.”

*

“Sign here.” The deliveryman said to Patrick.

“For what?”

“The elephant.”

“What elephant?”

“The one Mr-” The delivery man checked his form, “The one Mr. Wentz ordered.”

“An actual elephant?” Patrick asked.

“Yes.”

“Just a second please,” Patrick said, and shut the door to the bus.

Then he heard, “Ohmygod my elephant is here! I mean what elephant? Patrick? Patrick! Save me Joe! Patrick! OHMYGOD IT BURNS!”

The deliveryman was started to wonder whether he should run when the door opened again.

“So,” Patrick said. “We don’t want the elephant. Sorry.”

“Um,” said the deliveryman.

“You don’t,” Patrick tugged his hat down, “No chance you do returns for free? Right.”

*

“So,” Brendon said, standing somewhat shyly at the entry to the bunkroom, looking at Ryan lying on their bunk, “Is this a bad time to ask you if you want to get married?”

Ryan sighed and scratched at his forehead. “Come here, Bren,” he said, patting the space beside him on the bunk.

Brendon brightened, and not so shy anymore bounced over to the bunk. “I love you,” he said, sitting on Ryan.

“I know.”

Brendon gave him a slight elbow to the stomach.

”Fine,” Ryan said, “I love you too.”

Brendon grinned, “I love you infinitely.”

Ryan rolled his eyes, but gave a small grin, which resulted in Brendon kissing his cheek.

“I want to marry you,” Brendon said, sounding surprising serious, “I know that this whole thing hasn’t been all that,” Brendon waved his hands a little, “you know, in our control, but I’ve been thinking since the start and I think –I wouldn’t have asked you if I didn’t really want it.”

“I talked to Spencer’s mom.” Ryan explained, somewhat unhelpfully.

“I was there,” Brendon said, confused.

“Yeah, I mean. She’s like my mom. If I didn’t think this was real, if I didn’t want this I wouldn’t have told her.”

Brendon looked a little teary, “Seriously?”

“Yeah,” Ryan said, smiling at him, “and I sent away for actual rings. They should be here soon, I was planning on properly proposing when they arrived.”

“That’s so sweet,” Brendon said, looking a bit in awe.

“Yeah, well,” Ryan flushed, looking a bit flushed. “I love you, a lot. Idiot.”

Brendon beamed at him and kissed him and kissed him, until he’d tipped Ryan back and sprawled out across him, “Maybe it’s time I practiced being quiet,” he whispered, his hands helping Ryan out of his pants.

Ryan smirked, “I think they deserve a little noise.”

Brendon laughed.

*

In the next room Spencer banged some pots and Jon sat tuning his guitar. After a few minutes he said, “I am surprised at how surprised I am that Bren’s a screamer.”

“We,” Spencer said, between clenched teeth, “are not going there.” And he banged another pan.

A few minutes later:

“OH RYAN!” Brendon voice echoed through the bus.

Spencer looked pained and Jon cracked up.

*

“Ryan! Ryan! Ryan!” Brendon called, twirling around the bus. “Did you hear we’re getting married?”

“Yeah, Ryan,” Spencer smirked from the couch, “I’m just hurt I only got my invite today. But luckily Pete told me I get to be best man.”

“Fuck you, Spence.”

“He asked me for my size.” Spencer waited a beat. “So that the matching vests he’s making us fit. Don’t worry now, he already has your size.”

“Go jump off a cliff, Spence.”

“Is Pete really making them himself?” Jon asked.

Brendon kept on spinning.

*

And spinning.

“No, Pete, no.” Ryan whispered over the phone so Brendon wouldn’t overhear.

“Yes, Ryan, yes.” Pete said back, his grin could be felt over the phone. “I love weddings, and it turns out Brendon loves weddings too.”

“I don’t.”

“You love Brendon, though.”

“Yeah, so?”

“So that means you are going to, happily, accept the fact he wants pink rose petals thrown on you guys when you walk the aisle.”

“I, well…” Ryan sighed, “I hate you.”

*

And spinning.

“Is it wrong if I wear white?” Brendon asked, him and Ryan top-and-tailing on their bunk.

“Is what wrong?” Ryan asked, taking his earphones off.

“If I wear white to the wedding?”

“Brendon…”

“I mean I know, traditionally, I couldn’t, can’t. And maybe I really shouldn’t but… but I look great, look best even, maybe, in white and I want to look the best for you.”

Ryan crawled across from his end of the bunk and kissed Brendon.

And kissed.

*

And spinning.

“You whore faced, lying piece of cow shit, Ry.” Spencer hissed.

“Pardon?” Ryan asked, smirking.

“I can’t believe I’m wearing this fucking vest.”

“Pink suits you.”

Jon nudged Spencer, “Stop whining. Brendon’s coming.”

And Fall Out Boy broke out into a highly rocked out version of Here Comes the Bride.

*

And kept spinning until he fell-

-But Ryan caught him before he hit the ground, and with the best ‘you may kiss the bride,’ kiss ever.

And Brendon told him so, later, in no uncertain terms – and with a lot of noise.

Hope you liked :)

Live with the Bottle, Live with Yourself (Buffy/Beecher)

2007-09-23T03:00:08Z

Live with the Bottle, Live with Yourself
Oz/Buffy the Vampire Slayer crossover
Hard R, Buffy/Toby, 2,055 Words
Wow, this is weird. Very weird. Huge thanks to occasusvenustas, without whom this fic would be unbearable to read. Seriously.
Afterwards, while he slept, she leaned her head against his back and cried.

He was older than her – much older. It was different than the age between Angel, Spike and herself, because he was human. And it was just different.

However, she felt connected to him. He had the darkness of Spike and the guilt of Angel, and if she thought about it, he even had the strength of Riley. She was confused by him but he was also her other half, as strange as that sounded. He was human, and more than that, he was the first human she had ever really connected with, both physically and emotionally.

She had met him during a dark time in her life, when seeing the light again had become a dream, a dream she doubted she would ever meet. Turning the Potentials into Slayers, it was a perfect idea, a perfect dream but perfect did not translate well into reality and how could she ever, ever forget what becoming the slayer had meant to her? She still remembered, fourteen years later, staring into that mirror, with her parent’s arguing downstairs thinking why her? What had she ever done that been horrible enough to warrant this?

It took a while to understand that killing could be separated into categories. A while to accept that killing was not just killing, there were layers and reasons and vampires.

She never knew what it was like until she met the new slayers. Granted, some of them thought it was a dream but for most, a nightmare with Buffy being the one keeping them in it. She would have hated herself, too, if she were one of them, and it had been so easy for Buffy to turn to the bottle, to drink away her sorrows.

Was it wrong if, just once, she did things the easy way?

Apparently so.

She didn’t realize she had a problem until she hurt Dawn – she hurt Dawn. Dawnie. Dawn whom she had died for, and then lived for. To willingly hurt Dawn? That was unacceptable. So she had gone to Giles for help. Ultimately he was the only one that would see past what she had become and know how to help her. He had sent her to New York; he had some friends there that would be willing to help.

They helped her by starving her, and not of food, but the bottle, the alcohol. They sent her to a meeting, and that’s where she met him, Tobias Beecher.

They sat next to each other, talked between breaks. Twelve meetings in they had decided to go for coffee after. The first time they just sat there. The second time was for small talk, and the third? The third brought them together.

“Have you ever loved anyone?” she asked.

“I was married,” he told her.

“Oh. Does that equal love?”

“In my case? No.”

“Oh.” She sipped at her drink to fast, felt the burn in her throat. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” he said, watching her eyes. “I’ve met my soul mate already.”

That surprised her. “Really? I didn’t realize-”

“He died,” Toby said, interrupting her.

That surprised her more. “You’re -? Not that I mind.”

“I’m easy,” he said, grinning. It was raw and harsh and it attracted her.

She didn’t even breathe before saying, “I am too.”

Tob took her home that night, to a nice apartment – big and rich. They fucked on his bed, hard and fast and afterwards she laid back with her body pressed against his and followed his eye line to the picture on the mantel.

It was a mug shot of a man with a killer grin who’s eyes glowed. She wanted to kill him. Then she realized he was already dead.

It became a ritual. Meeting, coffee, fucking.

Each meeting they would be opened raw. Then they would drink coffee and tell secrets, hoping to fill each other’s gaps.

“I’ve had two soul mates,” she said.

“You can’t,” he had remarked. “Choose one.”

“How can I?”

“Who makes you feel?”

“Right now? You.”

“I’m not your soul mate.”

“No,” she said thoughtfully, “you’re not.”

That night they fucked against the mantel, Toby looking at the picture on the wall and she looking at his chest, where his heart should be.

“I was in prison,” he told her.

“I’m not scared of you.”

“That doesn’t surprise me. You’re not scared of anything.”

“I’m scared of a few things; I wouldn’t go to the meetings if I wasn’t.”

“The meetings are means to an end. They don’t stop the drinking, I do.”

“I need them. They make me feel human.”

“You are human.”

“Not as much as I’d like to be.”

She cried into his shoulder when they had sex that night.

“What was his name?”

“Who?”

“You know who.”

“Chris. Chris was his name.”

“Chris.”

“Don’t. You don’t get to talk about him.”

That night he fucked her until she bled.

“You can’t come over tonight,” he said, grinning at her.

“What, why?” she always came to his apartment after. It was what they did.

“My children are over.”

“Your children?”

“Yes. I was married Buffy, I had children. And I lost them for a bit but I think I’m getting them back.”

“Oh, that’s good.” But she had an itch.

“It’s okay,” he told her, covering her hands with his, “We can have a quickie in the bathroom.”

And they did and she had never felt so dirty. She needed things to change.

She went to a different meeting, didn’t talk to anyone, and missed him.

Then she went to his apartment one day, three weeks after she had left, and knocked on the door.

A girl answered.

“Hello,” Buffy said, “Could I please speak to Toby?”

The girl – a teenager – raised an eyebrow, turned around and shouted: “Dad!”

And Buffy thought Dawnie, oh Dawnie.

Then Toby came to the door. “Buffy,” he said, surprised and confused.

“Hi, could we talk?”

He didn’t invite her in. Instead, he came into the hallway, shutting the door on the teenager’s inquiring gaze.

“Yes?”

“I need you.”

He laughed. “You don’t. Trust me.”

“I have a sister, Dawnie, she just a bit older than your daughter and I miss her and I miss home.”

His hand wiped across his face. “Go home then.”

“Home’s gone.”

“Home is wherever Dawnie is.” He told her. “I can’t love you like you need, I gave Chris everything and I barely have enough left for my children, but what I have they get. Can you understand that? They get the rest of me that’s human.”

“Then,” she said, pushing him against the wall and not letting him move, “I want the parts of you that aren’t human. It will still be more human than I’m used to.”

“I’m meant to fuck you now?” He asked.

“Yes.”

“Against the wall with my children in the next room?”

“Yes.” Gentler. “Please.”

“I would for Chris, but for you? No. No Buffy, I’m sorry.” He sighed. “You’re better than that.”

She went back to their meetings and they went to coffee afterwards.

“I have an apartment,” she told him.

He took one gulp of his drink and stood up. He grabbed her hand, “Let’s go. I need you.”

“Yes please.” she said.

They were lying in bed when he suddenly demanded, “Fuck me.”

“At least ask nicely,” she said, turning to him and sliding her hand down under the covers, grabbing his cock.

“And needy.” he said, wiggling a bit.

She giggled, “Would you beg?”

“Fuck yes,” he said when her nails dug in a little bit.

“How?”

“It’s not that difficult,” he said, and pointed to his drawers.

She reached over and opened the top one. “I wear this and fuck you?” She pulled it out of the drawer. “Fuck you hard?”

“Yes,” he hissed, taking her hand off his dick, he twisted around.

Buffy slid her hand through his hair, getting in a little tangle before getting free and continuing down his back. Her hand followed the curve of his left cheek. “I’ve never-” she said, stopping before finishing.

“Don’t worry, don’t think. Just do.”

And she did, and just before he came he shouted Chris.

Afterwards, while he slept, she leaned her head against his back and cried.

“Buffy? Buffy is that really you?”

“Dawnie. You sound great. Really great.”

“Buffy why has it taken you so long to call? Giles won’t even tell me where you are – when are you coming home?”

“I – Dawn, not now honey. Not for a while.”

“But, I miss you.”

“God Dawn I miss you too. So much, so much you wouldn’t understand.”

“I just don’t – You’re okay right, Buffy? You’re okay.”

“I’m so sorry I hurt you.”

“I forgive you, I’ll always forgive you.”

Buffy hung up crying. Huge gasping sobs.

“I am sorry.”

“What?” she asked, they were sitting at her kitchen drinking coffee and playing footies.

“I’m sorry that I can’t love you like you want me too, like you deserve.”

He sounded honestly upset.

“I don’t -,” she clutched at her hair and tugged it a little, enough for the pull to be uncomfortable. “We both need something from each other. You give me what I need.”

“It just seems that relationships normally have something more than that.”

“This is a relationship?”

He looked at her, surprised, “I thought so.”

She grinned into her coffee and then after a few moments looked him in the eye, blushed, and grinned.

His foot rubbed against hers.

“Holly, Harry this is Buffy.”

“Buffy?” Holly repeated, her tone incredulous.

“Yeah.” Buffy agreed, “Can you believe I never got teased about my name?”

“Um no,” Holly said, grinning, “I really can’t.”

“Is it short for anything?” Harry asked.

“Elizabeth.”

Harry nodded, “Buffy’s cooler.”

Toby ruffled Harry’s hair and grinned at her.

“Look Dawn, I won’t be coming back.”

“But come on Buffy! You’re better now and you can come home.” Dawn sounded like she was beginning to cry.

“Don’t Dawn, you’re an adult now. You don’t need me.”

“I’ll always need you.”

“Maybe. But you don’t need me next to you. I don’t need to walk with you.”

“You do.”

“I’ll never be completely better.”

“Ok then, fine. Come back and I’ll help you.”

“You don’t understand Dawn.” Buffy sighed, “I’m needed here now.”

“Buffy-?” Holly asked, walking into the room. “Sorry.”

Buffy held up her hand, “Hold on Dawnie,” she covered the mouthpiece with her hand, “Everything okay Holly?”

“I can’t find your pink top and you said I could wear it, remember?” Holly tapped her foot and crossed her arms.

“It should be in the closet Holls. Or maybe your dad put it in a drawer?”

“Honestly!” Holly said, sounding exasperated and throwing up her hands. She left in the direction of Toby and Buffy’s bedroom.

Buffy grinned and shook her head, “You still there Dawn?”

“Yeah.” Dawn sounded sullen. “Who was that?”

“I – Someone I’m looking after now.”

“But what about me?”

“Not everything is about you.” Buffy told her.

During Harry’s dance recital Buffy went outside for some air.

What she found was a vampire.

She watched for a few seconds before stopping it from killing the girl who had been fighting it.

She left the young girl gasping on the ground, instead picking up her stake that she had lost during the attack.

“Be more careful.” Buffy said, giving the stake back, “You’re not immortal.”

The girl looked at her stake. She spoke when Buffy was walking away, “I know. But, my death doesn’t mean anything. You know what I mean?”

Buffy sighed, “Then make it mean something.”

“How can one in thousands stand out?”

Buffy saw Toby through the glass doors of the hall gesturing for her to come back in. “I’m sorry, but that’s up to you to figure out.”

“If I asked you to take it down, would you?” Buffy asked Toby, staring at Chris.

Toby shook his head. “No. I love you but, no.”

“Would you be with me if he was still alive?”

“No.” Toby stared at Chris too. “Is that okay?”

“I guess.” Buffy frowned. “It has to be.”

“I love you as much as I can.” Toby reminded her.

“Yes,” she nodded. “Thank you for that.”

Ugly Betty loving

2007-09-18T09:23:07Z

I really want to write Daniel/Marc, Ugly Betty style.

Can anyone point me to some stories, please?

How do I do this?

2007-09-17T11:15:47Z

Um, nobody freak out but I wrote a Buffy/Tobias Beecher fic. It's kind of dark and it's a hard R and...

OMG, I wrote a Buffy/Oz crossover! What is wrong with that line?

So... Anyone want to beta? It's about 2000 words.

Bandslash

2007-09-02T09:02:57Z

Can someone please love me enough to beta a Ryan/Brendon fic for me? Please? It isn't that long.

*Begs*

Thanks darksylvia! :)

Vid and Fic

2007-08-30T10:58:57Z

Anyone know of fics that are kind of like this? Because I love the little "mine!" glances they throw each other and I just want to read stories about it, not based on that clip really and not even Pete/Patrick (though that would be loved) it could be gen... Just some stories where they're in love (friends, boyfriends, married..) and possessive. Pete being like: "Sure, he can sing with you... But he's MINE!"

Give me please?

q&a

2007-08-26T10:13:03Z

I ♥ them so much.
(Also, My b-day tomorrow so quite excited about that :))

My Chemical Romance welcomes...

2007-08-17T04:40:23Z

Mikey's back!

After the Buffyverse

2007-08-16T07:11:33Z

Spike goes missing!

giddy

2007-08-01T12:49:55Z

Pete makes me so giddy. So very giddy.

I have finished..

2007-07-22T08:14:32Z

Woot.

1) Snape is good! Hah, I knew it. Fabulous!!! And the Lily thing wasn't bad, it wasn't really bad at all. They could have been together and moreover I love that James and Lily weren't just, like, meant for each-other. That it was more her and Snape.

2) I didn't really like the ending, Harry and Ginny? Ron and Hermione? Could of been worse, but it was still bad. I can't wait to read a fic where Draco and Harry's sons get close in school, bringing the fathers closer and then starting a affair. That ends in them getting married. It is so going to be written. (I did like that Harry honored Snape in the end.)

3) Dumbledore is kind of a bastard. I like that. I always knew that and it's nice to have it confirmed. It doesn't really matter that he regrets it, he still was one.

4) Snape is dead! Gah. That hurts, it really does. But I'm imagining that at the last moment a Phoenix came down and cried for him and he lived and away he went and he hid - to returns years later to win Harry Potter's heart.

5) Poor Dobby and Hedwig, and Mad-Eye. Sigh. And Fred! Oh, gods, that was kind of painful.

6) Lupin and Tonks --- er. I didn't like them together and I never really liked Tonks so... I don't mind their deaths so much.

7) I did cry several times in this book, which is strange but I couldn't stop myself.

8) The only spoiler I read was that Ginny died. But then in the book she didn't and bless my heart I was disappointed.

9) Overall, hmmed. I would have preferred the book without the nineteen years later chapter. Really would of. Luna and Harry together would have been nice too. But mostly within the last chapter so that us, the fans, could more decide the future - make more people happy that way. I'm also hoping for Harry/Snape or Harry/Draco that pretends the last chapter wasn't real.

Discuss people! Comment and tell me what you think!

SPOILERS WITHIN!!!!!! +IN COMMENTS!

PIMP

2007-07-09T04:34:11Z

deadandkicking!! Sign up folks, please.

I stole my best friend's husband

2007-07-06T15:33:46Z

I may not like her - but I love how bloody blatant this is.

"I am truly not one to give advice. I'm divorced and I stole my best friend's husband." – Denise Richards, at the Ratatouille premiere, when asked by TV's Extra if she had any post-jail advice for Paris Hilton.

+++

Lance fans guess what? Lance is going to Broadway.

Also, squee squee, Sex is ~~totally~~ ~~completely~~ pretty much a go! It's either gonna rock or bomb, I can't see a middle ground.